The past can hurt
by Star-07
Summary: Read and find out but please R+R first fic please be nice ! Status - complete
1. Painfull memories

Thunderbirds aren't mine, not fair and I wrote this so I hope you like it. All the spelling are in UK English so sorry if they look wrong to people in other places. Than you and enjoy!

**The past can hurt!**

_"Tracy Island is so large and beautiful so why do we keep are old memories in this dark and dusty cellar " _Scott wondered as he walked into the cellar the light shone in from the un-broken sunshine outside and glistened off the metal of a old bike of John's. Scott began to search though the decades of memories keep in the place consisting of Virgil's first guitar from when he was young to Alan's less important trophies for racing and a few of Gordon's smaller medals whereas most of the larger ones were kept on great show in Gordon's room to treasure the day he won them all. Scott had been searching for about 30 minutes before he came across his and his brother's childhood pictures and birth certificates, a small picture of John getting snowballed by Virgil and Gordon made him laugh slightly but enough for a deep voice to over hear and enter the room behind him. " What you doing Scott?"_ Ever the first to be noisy and interested in other peoples business, has to be Virgil" _Scott found himself thinking but resisted voicing his opinion. "Erm… nothing reallyVirgil just thinking of past times and memories, hey come look at this I could use this to blackmail you for years" Virgil hurried over panicking at the thought of been humiliated because of an old picture of himself. 

"Well I could find just as many bad pictures of you as you found of the rest of us" Virgil said grumpily, "_Yep you probably could_ " Scott thought. 

The laughter had been an unusual aspect around the island lately because of the feeling of the islands residents, The last rescue hadn't gone very well a cruise ship had crashed and began to sink in the Atlantic and nearly 40 people were still trapped when Brains took the call in Thunderbird 5, luckily the equipment Brains was replacing and improving had nothing to do with the communication area. When Virgil, John, Gordon and Alan had arrived there were only 15 people to save but as things sometimes go International Rescue couldn't save everyone, 2 people had died. This would have caused enough regret and annoyance alone if this hadn't had coincided with the birthday of Lucille Tracy, Jeff's wife and mother of the Tracy boys.

Scott had been thinking about what had happened all day and so had decided to visit the past, the happy past to remember his mother, all until the memory of that day hit him again. 

"How could a day I had been looking forward so much go so wrong? Scott thought back to that day….. "Is he coming to see us today?" The 5 year old commented 

_" Yep today is the day we get a new brother" _Scott said to an excited looking John and Gordon both so desperate for another brother.

_" Not again, been there done that"_ Well they haven't Scott said sharply to 6 year old Virgil 

Scott had been left with all 3 of them because Jeff was with Lucille and their new baby brother Alan. 

_"Do we get another after this one"_ John asked 

_"Erm … maybe another not sure yet wait a while and you could have another brother or sister"_ all 4 boys smiled at the though of an even bigger family, little did they know there family would be cut so dramatically short so soon.

All Scott could next remember was all of them included his father crying and hugging each other as the death of their so loved mother was explained to them as the last Tracy son was born. 

_"What you looking at?"_ Scott quickly pushed the paper that had brought back all those terrible memories back into the box.

_"Nothing Alan why?" _ Scott replied quickly 

"Never mind just asking," he replied as Scott passed him by on the way out to the tranquil features of Tracy Island. "_They really think I was born yesterday and that I don't understand anything"_ Alan approach with concern the box Scott had been looking at, he hadn't failed to noticed the emotion and sadness in Scott face and words when he surprised him with his entrance. 

Later that day Alan sat in one of the most isolated places on Tracy Island writing in his journal. 

_"Why, why me I hate these feeling, they regret me they do I know they do I hate myself its all my fault I wish I could turn back time" _

"These thoughts are so excruciating and unbearable they are in my mind like they always are ever time dad, or the boys shout or blamed me and even more at this time of year and at my birthday."

 " I can't even tell them how much it hurts to see them in pain and suffering because of me, especially dad he lost the woman he loved because of me, if anything happened to Tin Tin then I would feel like not continuing, and dad has to face me everyday with those painful memories."

_"On every mission my big brothers and very overprotecting father try to protect me from danger, which was so frustrating and annoying at times they think I am not old enough and I am just a 'kid' and so I get no responsibility. "Scott even has to baby-sit me when I fly Thunderbird 3 as dad doesn't trust me! Why do I bother, actually I nearly didn't did I, the day dad told me about his dream the first thought I had was a chance to prove myself of course there was the chance to see the world and an adventure but I needed to show them I was good enough. Scott is dad's heir and second in charge they always spend lots of time together, Virgil was mum's favourite and is most like her because of his painting and music skills, John is dad's clear favourite because of his total love for space and caring nature and calmness that the rest of lack. Gordon, dad loves his adventurous nature and was so proud when he won his swimming medals at a young age and how he recovered from his accident, but me I feel I lack dad's attention because of the memories I seem to bring up, I know he loves me but I can't get the hatred I know he feels out of my head. These I know sometimes give me a source of strength for when I do dangerous stunts I feel so much better after doing them like they release the hurt I feel and when it hurts I feel I deserve it but it still hurts" _

A cracking from his right wristwatch brought Alan round from his thoughts _"Alan get here quick thunderbirds are go!!" _


	2. If you never forget they are still there

Chapter 2 of the past can hurt 

I am enjoying this J but Thunderbirds still aren't mine and Alan hasn't called me for a date so here is the next bit and it gets a bit emotional at the end thanks Star *

If you never forget they are still there 

_"My god I am so tired"_ John said stretching in the passenger seat of the huge green Tb 2

_"Ha I think you need to back into space mate if you can't handle it"_ Virgil chimed in 

"Me! I can handle anything just remember I am younger than you big bro" 

_" Not by much, anyway doesn't matter if I am haven't you hear you should always respect your elders" _Virgil stated in a posh English accent trying but failing to sound like the beautiful British blonde, Penny.

Instantly Virgil and John were in fits of laughter until Virgil noticed Alan was in the unknown depths of nothingness.

_" Al, Al, Alan  ALAN!!!!!!!" _Virgil screaming just managing to knock Alan from anywhere but reality 

_" Sorry Virgil you say something"_ Alan said just above a whisper

_" You ok kid"_ If Virgil had seen the look he would be getting from that comments he wouldn't have made it.

_" Don't 'kid' me Virgil and yes I am fine" _each word showing Virgil more and more that there really was a problem

_" Ok "_

 It was left at that in the silence of Thunderbird 2

_"I know there is something wrong with him, but maybe it was just the mission that was one hell of a fire I thought we had lost Alan in firefly at one point I am sure he didn't have to go that close but then he never listens it's a good job that wall was in the way when the chemicals exploded or he would have been burnt to a crisp. He is going to get a bit of a lecture from dad and Scott about going so close just to give us another few minutes, god I hate how he is in firefly alone. John at least I got to keep an eye on, poor Scott he has to look after us all and keep dad informed. We all look out for each other but I know I would do anything to know they are going to be safe. Umm I wonder…._" 

_" VIRGIL "_

_" Oh god I nearly missed the Island"_

" Landing now" 

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"_So I think over all the mission went quite well apart from we are totally shattered" _ 

_"Thanks Scott"_ Jeff gently smiled as he looked up from writing the de-briefing comments, _" right you _can go"

All 5 boys went their separate ways mostly to their rooms but John pulled Gordon to his side and asked for one of their long chats about everything.

_" God that was a close rescue, I was panicking when the chemicals exploded and there was no sign of Alan "_ John said as he curled up on Gordon's bed,

 " Just relax john its over ok " 

"_Thanks Gordo"  " Gordo have… erm…have you thought about mum lately"_

_" Yep who hasn't I saw dad looking at a picture of here and us lot, well know Alan of course, he misses her so much, but who doesn't. John you know when we were 9 and Virgil went away and I was scared he wasn't coming back and you told Al and me that we needed to stop worrying about mum and that she is always watching us and you showed us the star, your favourite star because when mum died she asked you to pick a star for her so you would know she would always be there watching over us" _

_"Yep I remember how could I forget Gordo, I look at it every night "_

_" So do I John "_ Gordon embraced the hug of John just as he had when he was younger 

_" She said to me that I am her favourite water babies and that if you remember mummy she will never leave you as long as you keep her locked up in your heart she is and will be a part of you forever"_ a tear fell down Gordon face.

"Oh Gordo I miss her, you be ok now" 

_"Yep course night John, and thanks"_

_" Night Gordo and anytime" _

                                                            **********************

_"Scott, can I come in its Virgil"_

_"Sure mate its open "_ Scott said in a disheartened voice 

" You ok Scott " 

_" Sure"_ As Scott caught Virgil's look he decided that there was no point lying to him 

" OK …. Just thinking that's all do you remember what mum said to you when we went to see her when see was…... you know , she said to me " Scott my first baby boys I can see the beautiful, caring, responsible man you are going to grow into just like your dad and will you try to look after your little brothers for me, and Scott you never need to be afraid or lost as I am there deep down, I love you Scott" 

_" Scott, its ok you do more than enough to make sure we are ok and you shouldn't need to, you are the best big brother ever, mum was right"_ Virgil hugged him brother as his voice cracked with emotion and gratitude. 

" She said to me, Virgil my little painter and musician you express your feeling so beautifully though your work and I love what you do, paint me a picture a happy one with us all together and then we will never leave each other and nothing can stop us being together, I love you" 

" She loves us and that's all that matters, thanks Virgil, night" 

_"Night Scott, and by the way Scott why didn't you tell dad Alan stupid action today you know about getting so close in firefly?"_

" I don't know I just thought that it wasn't as stupid as you think, something's wrong I think I am going to talk to him tomorrow, night".

 Even as Scott said those words his expressions was concern and agonizing for Alan's behaviour. 

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_"I can't take this it feels like I am slowly being suffocated by emotions, pain and like if I don't let them out I will explode, hearing John and Gordon from outside Gordon's door was bad enough but when Scott and Virgil started" A cold shiver ran down Alan spine not for the first time as he remembered past times. _

_" I cant do this I cant, run away…no tried that when I heard dad talking about mum and the though of the pain that dad had made me run away I left about midnight with some clothes praying that the pain would go away if only from my family if I went away if I never came back. Only when I answered a mobile call from dad 2 days later did I see that I might be better to go home and he might have forgiven me and I be finally rid of the regret, but it stayed. So I had to find another escape measure and I have …"_


	3. Learning from the past

The past can hurt - Chapter 3  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Thank you for the reviewing. This is my favourite chapter so far it very sad and full of emotion. Hope you enjoy Star *  
  
Learning from the past  
  
  
  
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"What she doing up its nearly 2 am? Thinking probably just like me I have hurt her I know I have, I destroyed our relationship and broke both our hearts because of my fears. God she looks so beautiful I wish to god I could tell her real reason I ended our love, but I can't and she will find someone else, whom she can have no pain with. She looks so much like an angel as the moonlight shines off her long silky hair and glistens in the depths of her eyes, the look in those eyes as I told her are relationship had to end was traumatising and will haunt my love for her, as in that moment I broke the promise I made to her when we first began seeing each other," learning  
  
" I will never hurt you Tin Tin as I care so much to, I promise. "  
  
"The times of so much fun and delight, pleasure and comfort we have given each other in the last years, and most of that time we were only friends, not that anyone on this Island believed us about that, seemed to vanish in that aftermath of a broken promise. The first time we kissed is so memorable for both good and humiliating reasons, that day last summer."  
  
******************* Last summer "Erm you got cream on your nose Alan" Tin Tin said with the smile that hadn't left her face all day, from when they walked hand in hand at the break of dawn at the edge of the shore, to their location at sunset at the lonely spot at the other side of the Island. "Get it off for me then" both had been playing and laughing together alone all day, until about 10 minutes a go when an unobserved Gordon had finally found them and was watching like an eager predator studying its prey. "You have had fun today right?" " Alan it's been perfect, well nearly," she said, as she looked Alan up and down finding his face and winking " Nearly isn't good enough, but you know what they say the best things are worth waiting for" A glowing smile accompanied by the beautiful shimmering of Alan's tranquil deep sapphire eyes which made Tin Tin's heart melt like chocolate in the sun. " What have you got in mind" Tin Tin thought the words but they weren't spoken due to the feeling she was experiencing as Alan lifted her to her feet, rapped his arms around her and expressed his profound emotions of to her with a deep semimetal kiss with seemed to final let both of them know the love mutually shared for each other after months of trying. "Perfect now? You're the most precious thing in the world to me Tin Tin never forget that" Alan voice radiated the unrestrained emotion he felt "Alan that was so. GORDON WHAT THE HELL? " Tin Tin yelled as she pulled away from the peaceful realism of Alan's heart, just as Alan swiftly turned around just to see his older brother start running away with a camera. " I will kill him he's ruined everything" Alan yelled " No wait he hasn't it will take a while for those to be developed lets walk back and we will deal with HIM later" Alan embraced her hand and walked back as the dusk began to take form  
  
  
  
Last that evening Alan entered Tin Tin's room and didn't look happy  
  
" I can't find Gordon but when I do he's dead!" " Come here, don't worry we will get him back" The smirk still on her face from their day together, as she leaned over and returned the kiss that had been expressed on her a few hours ago. " Perfect now? Alan asked, as he found his athletic torso been explored by Tin Tin's hand and his own being encouraged to return the gesture.  
  
Next morning Alan entered breakfast to find pictures of him and Tin Tin kissing all over the table next to a smug looking Gordon, and uncontrollable laughter echoed through the room from Scott, Virgil, Brains and his father and a live video feed from Thunderbird 5 with John showing the same un manageable amusement. For once Alan didn't care. "Yesterday was perfect and last night was unbelievable he though as Tin Tin entered the kitchen"  
  
  
  
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Present day  
  
Alan was shocked back from his own deep memories of one of the most perfect days of his life when he felt a warm soft kiss on his lips.  
  
" TIN TIN what are doing?" " Showing you what you're missing, and how I know you what us to be together." Her voice was so soft he barely heard her. " No don't please, I can't, we are better not together, I can't explain its just what we need to do. Your so beautiful you will find someone else who will make you happy" " I don't want anyone else Alan, I want you and what's more you want me, just admit it" her voice now seemed to echo in Alan head as she yelled she sentiment at him. " Alan one question and then that will decide were we go but promise to answer it honestly" " I promise Tin Tin but then that's it you need to move on " Alan just managed to form the words as his heart told him what a mistake he was making to just to tell her she is his true love.  
  
"Ok, Alan do you love me?"  
  
Alan looked into her now fear filled eyes, what to do still echoed in his mind, break her heart again and shatter what's left of mine? Or tell her I can't take the chance of history repeating itself and let her go through what dad experienced and still is experiencing did because of me. "I..I . don't.. I. don't want to hurt you Tin Tin so that only leave one choice, I will ALWAYS be your friend" 


	4. You can run, but you can't hide from the...

The past can hurt – Chapter 4 

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Here's chapter 4

You can run, but you can hide from the past 

"_A friend a bloody friend, I don't a bloody friend I was the person I love!"_ Tin Tin sobbed on to Alan's sweater as she lay on her balcony chair and reflected on what Alan had said. "_He never said he didn't love me, but he never said he does either, but why I know he does. I know a lot more about him than I let on, I always open up to him let him know how I feel but he won't to me, he wont to anyone he just keeps it to himself and lets it eat away at him. But what did he mean by "I don't want to hurt you" he isn't, well he wasn't, I don't understand but one things for sure I am going to find out. I love Alan and he does love me and whatever his stupid reason for us not being together isn't good enough, but it isn't just this his behaviour has been so strange lately._

_ I know all his brothers and Jeff are thinking about Lucille but Alan doesn't seem to want to know or talk about her, maybe I should tell Scott I know Alan seems to look up to him. _

_Or Virgil, Alan seems to like Virgil for his compassion and seems to like watching him paint as if he's a reflection on what this mother was like._

_John, well Alan doesn't see that much of John as they are always apart well apart from the long chats they have at night when no one is listening. They don't have much in common but Alan sees John as the calm between the storms of his other brothers and turns to him if he needs some peace and someone who will be honest with him._

_ Gordon, erm maybe not, Alan and him have a great time together as Alan seemed to grow up learning from his jokes and pranks and then do his own. So both enjoy each others company but I might need someone with a bit more experience with Alan's secretive side. _

_There is always Jeff but its no secret that Alan and Jeff aren't as close as he is to the other boys, because they are so different. Jeff didn't want Alan to become a F1 racer, more an astronaut what he does now but Alan wanted it so much and did it anyway. Also Alan got into a lot of trouble in school and didn't really achieve the best he could have like the rest of the Tracy boys, but that is one of the main thing he hates about being the youngest Tracy, being compared to his older brothers and what they have done. In one of the rare moments that Alan did open his feeling he told me how he was born to prove himself against the world, his brothers and especially to his father, and he hated it._

Tin Tin left her room certain she would get to the bottom of everything, Alan could run but he could hide, from the truth.

_                                                **************_

_"Scott are you awake I know its early but I need to talk to you its urgent _"

"Tin Tin what are you doing up its 3.30 am have you being crying? Come in please, what's wrong? Are you ok?

_" No its Alan" _ She managed to get out through broken sobs

" What? I don't understand you have spilt up haven't you? God knows why though you were made for each other"

_"That's the point neither do I, what's wrong with Alan Scott, I know he loves me he can't just fall out of love just like that"_

_"No" _ Scott said trying but failing to keep the disbelief from his voice 

" I don't think he meant it not really Tin Tin, I will talk to him for you I promise in the morning. Is that ok?"

_" Thanks Scott I new you would help me I better let you go back to bed now" _she tried to manage a small smile as he kissed her forehead.

"Night Tin Tin, wait I minute Tin Tin when did Alan end the relationship with you?"

_" Well he said he had been thinking about it for a while but I don't believe him, but he told me the night you came back from the crash of the ship, night Scott"_

She slipped out of the room, failing to see Scott expression on his face and the thoughts running through his mind.

"_No, Alan wouldn't end their relationship because of that, but that's something else I need to talk to kiddo about, so that's Tin Tin, mum and stupid dangerous stunts" _As Scott said those words his mind flashed with an idea of why Alan was acting like he was 

"No it couldn't be that" but as the thoughts passed through he because to think about his other brothers. Whenever Virgil got angry or upset he always expressed it through his music and paintings, and John always looked for sensible answers being the intellectual one or help from the stars. Gordon he always was the one to actually get upset and express his emotions through tears, a bit like Virgil to, both would come to me, or dad when upset or worried. And me well   have to admit I do take to flying away when stressed or upset and then a chat with dad usually settles me down, but Alan he wont speak about it he just…. blames himself?   Scott began to think remember when Alan was about 13 and had dad lecturing him all night and he had caught Alan trying to run away from home again in the early hours. He promised not to tell dad if Alan admitted why he had tried to run away, but in usually Alan style he said nothing, just he needed to get away. 

"_Get away what did Alan mean that night? Away from what? What is trying to leave behind? _Scott began to think harder 

"When was the argument? What was it about with dad? Alan was about 13, no he wasn't he had just turned 14 I remember it was his birthday and dad is usually always so nice and never shouted at that time of year because he knew we always are missing and thinking about mum. That's why I remember the argument? Was that what Alan was trying to get away from?  Scott began to worry just what Alan has been feeling all these years. 

                                                                                    ************

In Chapter 5 - The past can hurt 

Will Scott figure out Alan's underlying problem?

Will Jeff get involved in this story? (yes, and more of John and Virgil to come)

Will Tin Tin get Alan back?

Will Alan face what he has been running from for so long? 

Erm……………………….. we shall see! 

Please Review, hope you enjoying it! Star  *


	5. An indication of the problem

The past can hurt - Chapter 5 

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**A indication of the problem  **

Next morning at breakfast the atmosphere was apprehensive Scott was trying hard not to let his father notice Alan and Tin Tin's situation until he had got to have a long chat with the youngest Tracy but as Alan hadn't been seen all morning he hadn't had to try hard. 

"_I am going to work in my office for a while son I will put Thunderbird 5's channel direct to there" _Jeff said not looking up from his paper in his profound voice.

"_Ok dad, see you later_" Scott swiftly left the kitchen to go in search for his baby brother as he passed Tin Tin he caught the tired upset look in her eyes and knew that Alan wouldn't had broken off their relationship of for that reason, as it was apparent for their feeling for each other since both met years ago and that deep bond of friendship was formed from all the time spend alone together in their childhood.

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The gentle tapping on his door alarmed Alan; he had skipped breakfast as not to be confronted by both Tin Tin's misery from the problems he had inflicted on her. Also the look of concern he had got from Scott they passed each other in the corridor, but luckily for Alan, Gordon had walked passed and caused Scott to avoid asking questions, he knew he wasn't going to answer honestly, because he really didn't really know what was going on in Alan head.

Alan rapidly ran on to his balcony and climbed to the roof of the villa, thanking himself again for picking a top floor bedroom, which had been countless times, a means of avoiding arguments and a quick break from his family. 

_" Alan, Alan can I come in?" Scott entered the bedroom closest to his, so not to alarm anyone of a problem._

_"I could have sworn that I heard him in here" Scott commented to no one but noticing the open patio he conformed his suspicions, " __He's avoiding me!"  Scott was about to leave Alan's room, that seems to be full of models of car's or books, when he saw a small book next to Alan's world champion trophy, which seemed to beam the early morning sun around the room, that trophy had been so ecstatic to achieve at 19 Scott remembered. As he moved closer to inspect the source of his curiosity he found it was Alan journal._

"_I can't I can't read it, its his personal thoughts, he would kill me, it would probably help me find out what is going on an its for his benefit I suppose that means…." _

_"Scott"_

a shout from behind brought Scott from his thoughts and he instantaneously dropped the book.

" GORDON!!!!!!!"

_" You shouldn't sneak up on people like that Gordon"_ Scott snapped in an annoyed tone

" Ok, god I was only saying Scott"  "Yes I know sorry Gordo" " So what you got there?"   

" _Nothing to do with you"_ Scott slipped Alan's book into his pocket 

_" Didn't dad tell you to go clean out your room as it's a state!" _ 

"_Ok big brother I am going, no need to practise playing dad on me!" _Gordon stated cheekily 

"_Oh, Gordon have you seen Alan lately?"_

_" So now you want my help"_

_" GORDON just answer the question now" _Scott replied in a tone that didn't mean he was joking.

"_Just saw him heading down the stairs don't know where he was going._" 

Scott shot out of the room and intended to pursue Alan.

                                                                        *******************

"Dad can I come in" 

_"Sure son what's wrong?"_

_"I just wanted a chat" _Jeff embraced his flaxen haired son with a strong hug.

"You ok, son, I know what's wrong you know, don't think I don't know you adequately and I haven't noticed your conduct"

"_I know you all miss your mother, so do I, it's really been hard to bring up 5 children alone, but I don't think I have ever felt prouder than what you have achieved you mean the world to me, all of you"_

_" I know we don't talk that much but I miss you when I am in Thunderbird 5 I am so glad we rotate the shifts monthly" Jeff smiled and stoked his son's head _

_"With all this blond hair you don't half remind me of your mother " _

_" I thought you could only see her in Virgil"_

_" No, I can see her in all of you, Virgil's talents, Scott's singing voice, Gordon's well, you wouldn't believe it but his sense of humour, and…….."_

_"DAD" echoed down the stairs to Jeff's study _

" Yes Virgil, why do you have to be so loud?" 

" _Sorry dad didn't mean it" _Virgil lowered his head

" Its ok son, what did you want?" 

_"Him"_

_" I have a name you know, just because I have been quiet lately doesn't mean you have to forget my name"_ came the brusquely reply.

_"Ok sorry again, I need your help please, so can you come and now, that will cheer you up!"_ with that Virgil vanished back upstairs.

"_Son, you can always come and tell me anything son, I am always here"_

_"Thanks dad"_

_"Its my job, and one last thing"_

_" Yep dad"_

_" I love you, John" _

_                                                                        *********************_

What's next see **Chapter 6  of  The past can hurt – If you dig up the past all you get is dirty **

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	6. If you dig up the past all you get is di...

**The past can hurt - Chapter 6 **

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I am not really sure where this story is going, and what is going to happen to Alan, I just write what coming to my head so I don't know if its any good, so if you could review I would be very grateful, whether its for good or bad thoughts.

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If you dig up the past all you get is dirty 

The sea crashed and broke on to the un-even, jagged rocks that lay on the far edge of Tracy Island, while on the dangerously towering cliffs above a small figure was ascending to the summit. He was well aware to the fact that one slip of his hand or foot would send him plummeting to his death put the need to finish his challenge and demonstrate to himself he could do it, that thought was much more overpowering. Pushing himself was his only craving, to try and achieve reconciliation, like he had been searching for time and time before, after only one thing a desperate need for a conclusion to the unbearable guilt. 

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Scott had looked for nearly and hour for Alan and had finally found him climbing the most dangerous cliff on the Island, not for the first time, even though they had been warned it's wasn't very safe. Scott was certain of only one thing he had to know what was wrong no more _" I am fine Scott"_ or _"stop worrying"_ the truth would be only what he wanted to know, but how to get it. Scott considered that issue as his hand fell to his side, and felt a small solid rectangle in his pocket, well this would probably explain everything, it was Alan's journal. 

"_If he won't tell me directly then maybe I will have to read what his is thinking"_ Scott walked off to the direction of the cliff top to confront Alan, but this time having a clue to the problem. 

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At the peak of the uppermost sea cliff the view of the Island was amazing, from the tropical birds nesting in the cliff walls to the coconuts that sheltered in the collection of palm trees that covered the Island. The shimmering Pacific waters mirrored the constant radiance of the sunlight, as they washed gradually on the serene white sandy beaches, creating to most others one of the most stunning places on earth. Alan missed all of this as memories and feeling blocked out the true beauty of the scene. 

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"_I know" the calm steady wind that infiltrated through the humidity of Tracy Island carried the solid, confident yet concerned voice._

Scott sat down next to his youngest brother. He studied Alan's face, it expressed no emotion, but the depth of his cerulean eyes seemed to betray his desperate need to keep undisclosed his profound feeling of grief and remorse.

"_I know what's wrong, what has always been wrong, what you have always kept to yourself, and how if you put your life on the line you think you are settling your conscience._

_"If that's what you think" came a blunt inexpressive response _

_"No that's what you think" Scott pulled of a small book, which consequently got him a look of devastated trust and incredible fury.   _

"_You had NO bloody right to read that"_

_"I was worried about you Alan, and I had every right to be concerned reading this." There was a silence as both Tracy's looked at each other neither knew how long had passed before the elder spoke._

_" Why did you tell Tin Tin you didn't love her?" _

The sudden switch of topic pleased and made Alan apprehensive as this mind raced with worry of what Scott knew. 

_" I can't believe he read my diary, but what does he know, obviously about mum, so why is he asking about Tin Tin? I can't tell him anything, no one must know." But what Alan said wasn't what he'd expected._

"_I do love her! I won't let her be hurt, ok. What we do is so perilous"._

_" I know how she feels when one of us gets hurt, especially me and I can't let her go through that pain. Alan voice whispered the last few words showing his regret._

_" I know, but isn't that her decision, whether she wasn't to take that risk."_

_ Scott's words dominated reason and assurance. Alan turned his head and looked into his oldest brother's cobalt eyes, as he spoke those words, that seemed to echoic their fathers reasoning and attitude. _

_"Maybe" Alan said softly__ as he stood and breathed deeply, as if he had been holding his breath for minutes.  _

_"I can't believe I am getting through to him, I was expecting him to tell me where to go. Will he open up to me about mum? I have to try." Scott though to himself, as he walked over and rapped his arm around Alan's shoulder. _

"_She isn't the only one who loves you Alan, and we're really worried about you, you got to stop running away from the problem." Scott had to force Alan to look at him, as he wanted again to turn and runaway._

"_I don't know what you mean Scott" Alan said confidently as he snatched his arm back and started to walk away. _

"_Alan, you think its your fault mum died" Alan stopped dead in his tracks and turned back._

_"Remember Scott," Alan said with firmness,_

"_ If you dig up the past all you get is dirty." _

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Alan just made it to his room before, for the very first time since he was a small child sitting alone staring at the stars, his feeling were expressed by the un-containable tears that fell from his eyes. Whether it was from someone actually voicing to him just how he felt or just the remembering the hidden side of his childhood past, when only running away from the thoughts were his only option. Every time he saw his father or brothers talk about mum in a disheartened voice, or show pictures of the family that didn't include him he took to his escape route. As Alan thought about that he hadn't changed at all when International Rescue failed to save people then he believe he was at fault, so risking himself to save others even when he was told not to was a better option that the knowledge of losing people, as their families would only have to suffer like his did. 

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	7. The truth can release the demons of the ...

The past can hurt Chapter 7 

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**The truth can release the demons**

Alan lay watching the millions of sparkling stars scattered around in the deep mysterious eternity of space, remembering clearly what John had once explained to him when he was 6 and had woke up scared because of a bad dream. 

_" Whenever you feel alone remember you are never alone, because the stars are always there even when you can't see them." _That night and every other night from then on, whenever he felt alone he looked up and fell asleep under their watchful protection. That was one of many reasons why John loved to be on Thunderbird 5 he felt closer to them and sheltered and secure by their continuous watch over him. Right then Alan felt so isolated, his face was lined with red marks were the endless flow of tears had fallen from his now bloodshot eyes, which no longer sparked which his irrepressible, lovable charm. 

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"_Shall I tell dad? Alan would hate me forever if I did, but then Alan needs him I am going to have to." _

Scott spoke with concern to his closest brother, most level headed brother.  

_"I don't know I can't believe he thinks like this, why, I don't understand, Scott come on we have to tell dad"._

_ "Virgil ever the voice of reason"_ Scott and Virgil both smirked. 

" Tell me what?" A deep powerful voice echoed around the lounge instantly both brothers fell silent. 

"_I am not exactly sure what's going on but I want to know, and I want to know now!" _

Scott and Virgil exchanged worried glances; there was no other way to answer their father when he spoke like that, other then with the truth. 

"_Nothing were just tired"_, the words were spoken with an explicit tone. 

Uncertain of whether that was the truth, Jeff looked over, like he always did to his eldest for the confirmation on what had been said.

Scott looked to the source of the response. 

His younger brothers had always protected and backed each other up, whether it had been on missions from life threatening dangers or just who stole one of grandma's freshly baked cookies. 

Scott had never lied about anything serious to his father and he knew the trust they shared between each other had been the strongest reason why Scott was second in command and the leader on the missions, creating a dilemma now. 

"_Yes he's right, we just need some rest "_

_As _Scott spoke the words he was very relieved that there were no lights on in the lounge so his father couldn't see into his eyes, which would have revealed the untold truth.

"Ok, then go to bed boys" 

Jeff studied them as they left the room and then went over to his desk.

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_"A second later with that response and he would have known everything"_

Scott snapped, again performing his 'I am your bigger brother, second in charge' attitude, which was aimed, as per usual at his younger brothers. 

_"And that wouldn't have helped in anyway" _he shot back

Scott had dragged his brother into his bedroom to finally find out what was going on, and Virgil had tailed on behind. 

He walked on to Scott's balcony, only to be followed by Virgil who forced him in to a hug.

"_I love you so much kid, please why are you thinking like this, it wasn't your fault what happened, you can't blame yourself Alan" _

Virgil pulled Alan back to face him, and gave Scott a warning look as he noticed in the starlight that basked onto Alan's features, the tears that had fallen for the previous hours. Scott walked towards them and noticed the reason for the worried glance from Virgil before; he pulled Alan into his arms and sat down on his bed, with Virgil covering Alan's other side. 

Silence passed through the room only the sounds of faint breathing and the even tick of a clock disturbed the peace for an unknown amount of time.

_"You just to stroke my hair when I was kid" _Alan said silently, but which sounded so thunderous compared to the stillness before. 

"_Yep we did, didn't we Scott, when you needed to go to sleep or needed to relax." _

_"And your still a kid" _Scott mentioned

"_Why Alan? Please the truth why?"_

Alan sighed deeply, would revealing his feeling bring him the peace he was so desperately after, it didn't matter they already knew most of it he decided.

"_It all began when I was 4 I heard you two and John explaining to Gordon about how mum died, do you remember? _

Scott, Alan and Virgil all began to recall that night……….

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…"Scotty, Scotty, Scotty… "The 6 year old chanted "Go to sleep Gordy please, I know dad's not home yet but you have to go to bed" "Virgie, Virgie, Virgie" 

_"__No, bed"_

"_Johnny, Johnny, Johnny_"

_"Come on Scott, Virg he's is never going to sleep if we don't read him one more story, Alan got 3 stories."_

_" Yep, Al- Al got 3"_ __

_" Thanks for telling him that John, and thank god he finally went to sleep."_

"Ok one more, and bed" 

_"Hooray" _Gordon said jumping on his bed. 

_"…And David woke up in the arms of his mummy realising living under the sea and swimming with the whales was only a dream, for now anyway. THE END"_

Scott sighed with relief, Gordon always had this book read to him.

_"Now sleep" _

Virgil and John said with as much relief as Scott that the book was over as all 3 left the room.

"Wait, Scotty, Johnny, Virgy, why doesn't mummy took us up in bed" Gordon said as his almond eyes dipped. 

_"Are mummy had to go away when Alan was born, remember" _John said softy 

_" Yes Gordon I wish she was here to but she can't be" _Virgil's voice was small and emotional

"_So mummy died because of Alan"_ Gordon posed 

_"Erm I sort of, its complicated, when Alan was born mummy died_ " Scott said not completely sure himself then. 

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_"Alan I was just making it simple for Gordo, he was young and he didn't understand I never meant it like you think"_ Scott's voice whispered regret.

"_You were asleep how do you know what we said?"_ Virgil asked

_"I was, listening from the door, and I thought from then on you wanted mum not me and that I had been responsible and it hurt_" Alan's voice got softer as Scott and Virgil pulled him closer. 

"Nothing more was needed, I knew how much you all loved mum, dad especially and it just got re-enforced every time dad or you got upset I thought you regretted me and wanted me to leave. 

" You understand know your older that it wasn't your fault and it was an accident, so why do you still believe it" 

"If mum hadn't of had me then you would have all been happy, like on the pictures from before I was born, and that regret just seems to control everything, and the guilt I just had to cope with it, and a few days ago when I saw how upset you were Scott just by my birth certificate, and those people we didn't save and hearing what mum said to you when she died just brought it back again I suppose." 

Tears lined his face once again.

"Alan we love you and we don't regret you, we never will"

"Just stop this please Alan, stop this inconsideration for your life, like when you went to stop that alligator in the Amazon, to free fall climbing, or your just going to cause us more hurt." Virgil pleaded.

"Alan you come see us when you feel like this or anytime, ok any of us, promise me now!" 

The youngest Tracy looked at his two eldest brothers and softly smiled, he was so thankful for his brothers and un-usually thought how luck he was to be the youngest.

"I promise, I love you to" Alan felt like his soul had been freed from the demons of regret and guilt that haunted his life, and felt he could finally face what he had wanted to do since that night the guilt had found him. He would do it tomorrow, he thought.   

" Thanks Scott, Virg you are the best"

"It was nothing, just what we promised mum, to look after you." Scott and Virgil both felt a sense of pride and their concern lift.

"We better go to bed we will talk more tomorrow." Virgil suggested after receiving a long hug from Alan. 

"No its over, apart from there are two people I need to see, but I suppose we had go to bed now, don't want only Gordon and John out saving the world why we are still sleeping tomorrow " Scott laughed contently 

" What you mean they couldn't go anywhere, where the pilots, they wouldn't even know how to take off" Virgil stated, causing both Scott and Virgil noticed the sparkle and fire in Alan's eyes return as the trio laughed together.  

"Night Al" Virgil called 

"Scott, Virg…." Alan paused

"What" 

"_Can this stay between us_" Scott and Virgil smiled 

"We swear no-one else will know ok" 

_"Thanks" _

_" Oh one more thing Alan" _Scott remembered as he pulled something from his pocket__

"Here's your journal" 

_"I am still going to get you back for reading it" _Alan said stubbornly but jokingly 

"_I never did" _Alan and Virgil looked at his with confusion 

_"What, then how did you know.."_

_" I only knew something was wrong the rest you just told us" _Scott stated_._

Virgil suddenly expected a row to start, but Alan just smiled.

"_You tricked me Scott, I'm glad you did, it got me talking, but I think there is someone else I need to talk to as well."_

The elder Tracy boys left smiling and so grateful for their baby brother. 

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Hope you enjoyed last chapter soon. 


	8. A mysterious protector

**Chapter 8 of -The truth can hurt **

A mysterious protector   

Jeff sat at his desk, as the silence of the villa was only interrupted by the distant sound of waves breaking softly on the moonlight shore. He stared down on at the images before him varying from Gordon and Virgil showing off on the boys' new speedboat that they had designed and built last summer, to his eldest dressed in full uniform of a air force pilot looking his usual charming self. Jeff's life had been a roller coaster of pain and happiness from the death of his father, to his tragic loss of his beloved wife nearly 22 years ago, but like with all things they happen for a reason. Although it had taken until his youngest son was 16 before his vision of a way to remember his loss and offer a service to the world had actually become reality, Jeff was now grateful he had put all the effort and energy into it.

Jeff had given up trying to sleep as something was bothering him, and hearing voices from the lounge had interested him to who else was up.  When he had inquired to his eldest what was going on he knew by the slow un-answered response his desperation to reveal he truth to the question he had posed, which had been answered from Alan behind him was not what Scott would have said. As all 3 left the room something told Jeff that he needed to know the situation and that he would find out no other way, so he went against his ethics and had turned to his communication panel. 

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  " I can't just sit here I have to deal with this " Jeff knew that his son's were quite secretive about their emotions and new some of them were a lot more open than others mainly the eldest and youngest were his most mysterious.

Talking openly about Lucille wasn't easy to his son's as he didn't want to upset them but he knew he had to. 

"He looks very peaceful shall I wake him?" Jeff thought to himself

"What have I done to you?" the movement of Jeff's hand on his son's moonlit face was enough to waken his from his restful state in a chair by the balcony. 

"Dad what are you doing?" he asked still in the grips of a deep slumber

"You can tell me "

Alan quickly recalled his conversation between his and his two eldest brothers, had Scott and Virgil betrayed him and gone and told their father anyway? Or was Jeff just tricking him in to what Scott had done before, knowing nothing but claiming everything. He really didn't know. In their younger years while John and Virgil were hearing tales of Jeff's piloting days, Alan was much more interested with learning how to impress the girls, watching Grand Prix's and dreaming him winning, despite the fact this last his attempt at driving' didn't go has he intended, and ended in a very bad way. Mainly a broken arm and the police having a chat to him, while his older brothers had been in hysterics when they had hear the actions of their baby brother joyriding in a sports car at 8 years old, whereas their father had preferred to take the more annoyed side. This was just some of the reasons Alan hadn't been as close to Jeff as the others and so didn't help him in his position now. 

"I don't have anything to say" Alan said very apprehensive way 

"Don't push me away, like you normally do Alan"

 Alan looked into his fathers eyes and saw the look he had received all the times before when he had just returned home from running away, and knew instantly knew how much hurt he had caused his family, in those sleepless nights while they panicked of his safety. That look he recalled would be accompanied by a desperate plea to know why and where he had been,  and now six years later he was still receiving the panicked look from his father but this time understood it was a look of total love for him rather than hate for him. Alan looked down guilty at the floor after knowing that he had caused so much hurt to stop so much pain, could he continue doing it and admitting nothing? 

Alan was lost again.

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Jeff heard soft breathing from where his youngest was now asleep next to him, and he smiled as he leaned down and kissed Alan's forehead. When Jeff first entered Alan's room nearly an hour ago he had expected him to deny everything, listen to nothing, and a blazing row to start. As per usually Alan had completely surprised him and after a first but weak attempt on denial and a long silence after, all Alan had said was he was sorry. Jeff was even now still stunned by his words, one for being the truth, clear by the look on his face and the pain in his eyes, and two, him actually saying anything. Jeff had completely forgotten what he had wanted to say and instead could manage nothing but, 

"It doesn't matter as long as you're all right". 

Again unsure of the reaction he would get, was absolutely astonished when Alan hugged him. 

Jeff looked down on his sleeping son, and knowing from his behaviour and apologetic manner, that Alan didn't want him to ever know about his guilty, painful feeling about this mother. So Jeff decided as he slipped out of Alan's room, not to tell Scott, Virgil and absolutely not Alan, about their conversation that Jeff over heard from Scott wrist communicator and finally learning the truth.

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"Tin Tin" 

"Tin Tin wake up I need so talk to you" Alan spoke in a whisper as not to scare her. 

"Alan, what are you doing it 5 am an…." She was unable to finish her sentence as strong loving arms pulled her in to a warm hug as she heard a cry of sorry in her ear. 

"I know I was a stupid idiot and I don't deserve you but I thought…"

"You didn't want me to suffer if anything happened to you" Alan was suddenly astonished as she finished his words. 

"Erm well yes that's it precisely" 

"I love you, I always have I always will" 

"Then nothing else matters" she stated pulling him in to a deep sensual kiss.

"Although I really should go to sleep, how about we talk more tomorrow" she suggested. 

"I'd love to, night princess," he said romantically.

"Night Al"

"Tin Tin, how did you know about, why we finished" he asked slipped from her beautiful decorated bedroom.

"I know you" she replied meaningfully. 

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Curling up in his bed, Alan fell deeply into a long sleep but this time had no reason to wake for a long few hours, he had settled things with Tin Tin, thanked his brothers, talked to his father and most importantly forgave himself. 

As Alan fell into an undisturbed, un-haunted sleep he heard a loving, peaceful voice whisper from the stars above, 

"Night son, I love you" 

"Will dad ever stop watching me sleep from now on," Alan thought drifting off.

At the same time every single member of Tracy Island was in the depths of sleep, were the voice came from was…………………………. Well what do you believe?

Thanks for people who reviewed this story. It's complete. I seemed to express my feeling in it so I feel it was worth writing. 

Hope you liked it to.

Also us Alan fans have to stick together. Its not easy being the youngest!! 

Star **


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